Musings of a Drunken Nobody
by WhitePhoenixRyoko
Summary: Crackfic! Ever wondered what Organization XIII does in their spare time? Come on in and find out! Ch. 1: Saix has always wanted to get revenge on Axel for permanantly dying his hair blue, so he and Zexion join forces to come up with the ultimate prank...


**A/N:** Whee! I've become obsessed with Kingdom Hearts (and am still obsessed with Tsubasa and xxxHolic)! This is my first KH fanfic! And it's **TOTAL CRACK!** Muffins! AkuRoku! FUN-NESS! ...(ehem) yes, well...ANYWAYS, I have _no_ idea where or when I came up with the idea for this first chapter. I _think_ it came during 4th period Health/Personal Fitness while I was running around the track, and it all started with a thought of, "Hey, what if _this_ happened?" So then, Drunk Vash Muse took the idea and ran with it, and from there, it's taken me 2 weeks to finish writing this chappy down. It is the first humerous fanfic I've written in a VERY long time. And I am so insanely happy and proud.

Yeah. Anyways, this fic is mainly about Organization XIII and all the random, insane, completely pointless happenings at Castle Oblivion. Before you go on and read, I have a couple things to say. Obviously, this is a crackfic, so expect plenty of OOC-ness, poking fun at different characters (but not _necessarily_ "character bashing"), total insanity, and all that is stupid and random. And besides slight language, this also contains various amounts (as in some chappies may have little bits and pieces of it, and others may be chock full of it) of BL/shounen-ai/light yaoi (but no smut, 'cuz my brain won't let me, and I don't have any desire whatsoever to write some anytime soon), so if you are homophobic or are strongly against guy/guy pairings, than this fic probably isn't for you. But don't worry: I'll warn you about the guy/guy content before each chapter in my author's notes.

Now, make no mistake, I love Organization XIII to death (well...Axel, Roxas, Demyx, Larxene, Marluxia, and Xigbar, to be exact...aw, to heck with it. I love 'em all), but this _doesn't_ mean that I don't love poking fun at them as well ('cuz I do). So _please_, my dear readers, _don't_ be offended by my fun-poking: it's all out of love! And remember, now: no flames (constructive critisizm is loved, though), no claims, and all your flames are be used to torch Fei Wang Reed. As always, me no own. You no sue. Okeys? OKEYS! Now, ONWARD! WHEEEEEE!!!! (zooms off to eat more chocolate)

**Chappy Warnings:** Slight language and _just_ a hint of AkuRoku BL.

**Acknowledgements:** I'd like to thank 2 people: firstly, my little sister, Hinita101 (her GaiaOnline username), for introducing me to the wonderful world of Kingdom Hearts via KH crack on YouTube (I love you FOREVER for that! Now, _pleeeeeeeeease_ let me play Chain of Memories! (begs)); and secondly, Roxy-baby (you know who you are) for encouraging my budding KH fandom through our crack-filled conversations and her letting me read that AMAZING Riku/Sora fanfic (the first KH fanfic I ever read!). Without you guys, this crackfic wouldn't exist.

**Dedicated to Roxy-baby as her (belated) birthday/moving-away present.**

**Roxy-baby, you're an AWESOME friend to have, and I'll miss you SO MUCH.**

* * *

**Musings of a Drunken Nobody**

**Chappy I: lol prank'd**

It was no big secret that Saix and Axel absolutely dispised one another (heck, they were at each other's throats the first time they met; if Xemnas hadn't stopped them when he did, Saix would have used his claymore to rip out Axel's innards with all the skill of an expert fisherman gutting his latest catch, while Axel would have simultaneously used his chakrum to hack off Saix's pretty elf-eared head and "little Saix" like a hot knife would slice through butter. Fortunately, because Xemnas stopped the fight, and their aim kinda sucked back then...let's just say that now, we know how Saix got that scar on his face, and why Axel's eyebrows are so ridiculously teeny-tiny).

It was _also_ no big secret that Axel was the one who spiked Saix's favorite shampoo and conditioner with what he thought was "blue cotton candy sugar" (of course, he failed to mention that he found it stuffed under Vexen's bed, and inside a container that _not only_ had a biohazard sticker on it, but also glowed a flourescent, pulsating pink. The results of this little prank: Saix's hair was permanantly dyed cotton candy blue, and he began to suffer from funky, random mood swings, which _later_ resulted in Saix recieving a Christmas gift consisting of maxi-pads and extra-absorbancy tampons from Larxene. Saix later got his revenge on the unfortunate girl by chasing her around Castle Oblivion for a full three hours, wielding a tampon gun he had stolen from Xigbar. This in and of itself is a completely different story, which we won't go into now).

At first glance, one might assume that there are no secrets kept in Organization XIII; however, the authoress of this crackfic regrets to inform those who have made this assumption that they are sadly mistaken. On the contrary, each and every member has dirty little secrets of their own. For example, for the past several years, Vexen has been attempting to concoct a sex-changing potion, and has convinced Marluxia to be his guinea pig (needless to say, Vexen has failed thus far, though he _has_ successfully turned Marluxia's hair pink). Another little secret is that Zexion is obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, and has spent the majority of his munny on booster packs, posters, wallscrolls, DVDs, action figures, a life-sized cardboard stand of Yami Yugi, and pretty much any Yu-Gi-Oh paraphanalia he can get his hands on (he has recently bought a pair Dark Magician boxers, and has yet to take them off and wash them). Ever since he bought his first booster pack, Zexion has put his scheming little brain to work on developing stratagies which he plans to use to beat Yami Yugi and become the next King of Games (why, one may ask? Because Zexion is a snarky, scheming little son of a...well, he's a very scheme-y kind of guy.)

However, all of the Organization's deepest, darkest secrets combined couldn't match up to the _deepestest, **darkestest,**_ most **_secretive_** secret of them all:

Saix was dilligently plotting his revenge on Axel.

- - - - -

Anyone who knew Saix would instantly know that he was up to no good. Had his door not been closed, anyone passing by Saix's room would have noticed that it was almost totally devoid of light (save the desk lamp), and Saix was seated at his desk with a silver Sharpie in hand and a huge sheet of blue paper (which, by the way, took up the whole desktop) before him. Scribbled all over the paper were various figures, diagrams, notes, lists, and little Axel stick figures, all incorperated in multiple schemes that were crossed out, circled, then crossed out again as Saix was trying to decide which scheme would best suit his purposes (and so far, all of his schemes sucked...sucked like a...a really...sucky thing...). As he grumbled and crossed out his 279th scheme, Zexion toed open the door and spoke around the cherry lollipop in his mouth, "Not that I care, but what're you up to? I could smell you scheming all the way from the lowest basement."

Saix was about to ask what the shorter boy was doing in the basement, but after deciding that he really didn't care, instead snapped, "Leave me, Zexion; can't you see I'm busy?!"

Zexion shrugged and crossed the room to Saix's desk. He then took one look at the other's jumble of scribbles and snorted (unknowingly taking on the role of Captain Obvious), "Your schemes suck. And Axel isn't _that_ stupid; he would _never_ fall for _any_ of these pranks."

"Then what do _you_ propose I do, O Mr. High-and-Mighty?" Saix hissed, going into man-PMS mode.

"I dunno. Trash something he values above everything else, I suppose."

"...like Roxas?"

"Do anything to _him_, and Axel'll probably kill you or someting."

"Oh, you're right...or something..."

Several seconds of silence accompanied the turning of gears that were their though processes, then, Saix's mouth twisted into a grin _so_ evil, _so_ mischevious, _so_ ugly, it could rival that of the Grinch's.

_"His hair."_

Zexion's face split into a similar -if not identical- grin, and replied, his brain kicking in to evil-scheming-Yu-Gi-Oh-fanboy mode, "I have _just_ the plan..."

For the next several hours, Zexion and Saix sat huddled around the desk, speaking in whispers as they took turns sketching new diagrams and better figures, and evil cackle breaking the silence every so often. Somewhere along the line, Larxene paused in Saix's doorway to inquire as to what exactly they were up to, but changed her mind when she noticed just how insanely maniacal the grin on Zexion's face was. She instead backed out slowly and closed the door, then went off to see who had been stupid enough to give Zexion that lollipop (she had a feeling it was Demyx or Marluxia...).

Fortunately, the door was closed before Saix remarked, "I never knew you were into Yu-Gi-Oh..."

- - - - -

The following night found just about all of Organization XIII fast asleep. Xemnas was at his desk, drooling all over his latest (half-finished) report; Xaldin was lying with his feet (as opposed to his head) resting on his pillow as he dreamt of cutting up things with his big, nifty lances; Vexen had fallen asleep with his head resting in his arms wildst working on his latest attempt at a sex-changing potion (which would explain why his safety glasses were askew, a beaker on the bunsen burner was boiling over, and a flask was tipped over, the orange liquid it once contained spilled on and slowly eating away at the table wildst emitting electric blue smoke); Lexaeus was curled up in bed with his security blankie (which, by the way, had a happy clown holding balloons on it) in his arms and a thumb in his mouth; Demyx was snoring away contently as he cuddled his sitar, Luxord was passed out on his bedside table with a pint glass in one hand and his favorite deck of cards strewn out on the bed beside him; Marluxia, having fallen asleep while watching Yu Yu Hakusho, was slumped over on the living room couch with his beloved Kurama plushie in his arms; Larxene, her closed eyes hidden behind her favorite sleeping mask, cuddled innocently with her blue, lacy pillow; and Roxas, his blankets wrapped and tangled around his limbs and torso, dreamt of sea-salt ice cream. Yes, everyone was contently frolicing in Dreamland.

Except Saix and Zexion.

Clothed in the darkest, tightest catsuits and humming the theme from "Mission Impossible," the two Nobodies stole through the night and darted from shadow to shadow not unlike a pair of the most skilled thieves. In a mere matter of minutes, they were outside Axel's room and slowly, carefully easing the door open.

The first thing Saix and Zexion noticed upon creeping into the bedroom was that everywhere you looked, there was something to do with Roxas (posters, wallscrolls, plushies, anything and everything). The second thing they noticed was that their target -Axel- had kicked off all of his blankets, and was currently sprawled out with his head hanging over the side of the bed (which, unbeknownst to the poor pyromaniac, made their devious job that much easier). Saix couldn't even _hope_ to suppress the crazed, snarky grin that blossomed on his face as he and Zexion produced various, mysterious tubes from their pockets. They approached the peacefully slumbering Axel like a pride of lions closing in on its prey and silently set to work executing Stage Two of their master plan.

- - - - -

The next morning, the sun, completely oblivious to the previous night's crafty activities, rose brilliantly over Castle Oblivion. A random Rooster Heartless jubilantly hailed the new day from somewhere atop one of the castle's many spires. Sadly, this was the last time the Rooster Heartless did so, for shortly after it began to crow, the morning peace was shattered -as well as one of the castle's windows- by someone yelling, "**SHUT THE F--- UP!!!!!**", followed by a gun arrow shooting out of nowhere and through the poor creature's neck. With a final strangled cry, the slaughtered Rooster Heartless disappeared in a flurry of curling black whisps, its little pink heart floating up into the sky. Meanwhile, its attacker, Xigbar, swore under his breath as he rolled over in bed and buried his head under his pillow.

Needless to say, Xigbar was _not_ a morning person.

It was about an hour or two later when Castle Oblivion's main inhabitants finally began to sluggishly make their way down to the kitchen and dining room. The first one to get there, Xemnas, was found seated at the head of the table, a cup of fresh coffee in hand as he read the morning newspaper; then came Xaldin, who immediately set to work making scrambled eggs, bacon, waffles, pancakes, and French toast simultaneously; and so on, until the majority of the members of Organization XIII were at the table eating breakfast.

Saix, with a whole pancake stuffed in his mouth (lest he burst into a paroxysm of evil laughter) and his face hidden behind a random magazine (lest he grin insanely once he finished his pancake), was practically high with anticipation. Why won't Axel just wake up already?! Saix couldn't _wait_ to see the look on his face! His high was interrupted a few moments later when someone came up from behind and tapped his shoulder. Saix "mh?"-ed as he turned around, only to come face-to-face with a bed-headed, blue-spaghetti-strap-tank-top-and-blue-pajama-pants-clad, and apparently PMS-ing Larxene. In an instant, she snatched away the magazine, wacking Saix in the head with it before storming away to get some coffee. As Larxene stomped away, Saix stifled a nosebleed upon realizing that the magazine he had previously been hiding behind was Larxene's latest catalogue from Victoria's Secret. Meanwhile, Zexion, his hunger and grogginess causing him to temporarily forget that he had been in cahoots with Saix the previous night, quietly at his Cookie Crisp cereal and ignored the blue-haired elf-boy as he proceeded to stuff napkins up his nostrils.

Then finally, Axel stumbled into the room, his favorite "Yaoi is my anti-drug" T-shirt riding up to expose his belly as he stretched and yawned before coming up behind Roxas and wrapping his arms around the shorter boy's shoulders, nuzzling Roxas' neck as he mumbled, " 'morning, Roxy..." Because it was routine for Axel to do this, everyone ignored his morning antics and continued to go about their breakfast activities...

...that is, until Roxas turned to look at Axel and screamed for the whole castle to hear: "**OH MY GOD, YOUR HAIR!!!!!!!!!!**"

Once everyone's eyes fell on a very confused, _previously_ red-headed Axel, several things happened all at once. Larxene, Demyx, and Marluxia burst out laughing. Luxord also did this, but his laughter was quickly replaced by coughing and gagging as he started to choke on the English muffin he was eating. Xigbar got coffee up his nose as he spat it out and laughed simultaneously. Xaldin accidentally sliced through the counter and cutting board wildst cutting a loaf of bread. Lexaeus dropped his glass of orange juice, the glass shattering into a million pieces the instant it hit the tile floor. Xemnas, who was _about_ to take another sip from his mug, missed his mouth and ended up pouring hot coffee down his front (not that he noticed; he was too busy staring at Axel). Vexen shook his head and went back to eating his French toast, thinking, "Let's just hope this isn't permanent like Saix's hair..." Zexion dropped his spoon as he gaped at Axel, thinging somewhere along the lines of, "omg omg omg _my **idol**_ omg" and so on. Saix laughed maniacally as he lept out of his seat and sprinted out of the room.

Amidst all the chaos, Axel reached up to his now-Yami-Yugi-styled hair to scratch behind his ear and frowned, "What? I was _just_ saying that when I woke up, I could've _sworn_ my favorite Roxas poster was replaced with a wallscroll of some fruity wizard-guy in a purple dress and a pointy, purple hat..."

* * *

So? Did anyone notice the 5 special appearances of random things from things other than Kingdom Hearts (not counting the Dark Magician wallscroll at the end)? Can you name them _all?_ I'll give y'all some hints ('cuz you probably won't find them all otherwise): (1)For the first one, you'd have to be familiar with a KH fan comic. (2) The fourth thing is a really little detail, but it has something to do with a certain pirate anime... (3) For the last one, you'd have to watch a certain KH crack parody (made by ox0UchihaSasuke0xo of YouTube). Yeah. That's all the hints I'm giving. Good luck finding all 5! I'll reveal what they are next chapter! And comment! Gimme ideas for future chappies! This crackfic's _far_ from over! (goes off to make sure Axel doesn't kill Saix)

And Blaze, I hope you aren't as mad at me as you once were, and that you found this chappy amusing. I miss you a lot, and hope that we can somehow go back to being the good friends we used to be.

**LOOK OUT FOR MORE CRACK, NEXT TIME ON MUSINGS OF A DRUNKEN NOBODY!!!**


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